BAR 183

I was on the roof staring blankly at the vast place of my neighbor, thinking of nothing but happy moments of my life. . .

It was that Saturday night of November 2008 when I was having fun.
I was at the bar with my friends.
We were all taking the good time away from work, an all-boys night out.
The bar was jam-packed with good looking personalities, drinking and dancing.
Even my friends were a little bit busy too having conversations with one another.
Damn! I was having fun just by listening to their funny stories.
I stood up from my seat and roamed around the place hoping to find someone I know.
I was already 4 tables away from were I left when a roaming waiter, carrying a plate with glasses of wine passed by me.
I signaled for him and took one glass of the bloody red wine.
I made a sip and went to a nearby ledge table to sit and smoke.
I was about to light my cigarette when YOU pulled me by the hand and dragged me all the way to the dance floor.
I was shocked.
I haven't the slightest idea of who you were yet so I just let myself go with the flow, YOUR flow.
While dancing, I just couldn't help but think in confusion of who the hell am I dancing with!
YOU kept on staring at me, at my whole face!
YOU smiled and suddenly stopped dancing.
YOU leaned on me, kissed me on my cheeks and uttered a jaw-dropping revelation.
"your fly is open"
It was shocking indeed.
I rushed right away going to the balcony.
I was laughing out loud when I zipped my pants.
Giggling, I reached for another cigar in my pocket and lighted it.
Suddenly, YOU turned up placing a hand on my waist,
I smiled.
YOU threw my cigarette away and seriously looked at me.
YOU cupped my face and gently kissed my lips.
And oh! we were doing the french kiss.
A moment had passed, we stared at each other.
We hugged and said this both,
"glad to have met you"

. . . (deep sigh). . . The thought of coming back is hurtful. Memories are forever but this one is too much to bear. Tears started to fall when I saw two figures making out by the window of my neighbor's house. One of them was small and very muscular but the other, he was tall, well-built, and, and. . .OH MY GOD! I was pain-stricken by whom I saw that I covered my mouth out of shock. It was like some pointed thing pierced my body right through the heart and made me ache so bad that I could not breathe the least. My tears begun to fall heavily. I wanted to yell but I couldn't. I wanted to jump on that roof but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I still couldn't. Was I not enough?! That you have to find another just for that?!. . .
after a moment of cries and sobs, I fell silent. Blank, empty, I just sat there, still as a rock. I just uttered, "I will never waste my pearls again."

English Family

Bees for keeps!
Mia, Farnie, moi



the phantoms!

party @ Maurixos

guys, here are the only pics i uploaded. thank you...
sa uulitin.

fate

"I CAME... riding the road of my life's beauty. I SAW... the pain and suffered the misfits. I CONQUERED... and defied the odds of everything."

the Geek and the Exceptional

I’m a geek and I’m proud of it. Armed with books and things to carry is my pride. I am not fashionable, yet I am simple. I only wear tight jeans, a tucked in sweat shirt and a large eye glass of color pink. My hair is so sleek and is combed perfectly.
“Am I ugly?”
No you’re not
“Am I?”
No
I’m Grey. And I’m in love with a jock. He’s no ordinary student. He’s got it all. The perfect guy for everyone to love to. But, I’m a man. I mean, do I have the chance?
There he is along the hallway walking coolly. He’s going to pass by me. This is a typical day for a typical ordinary freak. Standing upright, steady; can’t even utter a word of greeting. (sigh…)

I am the exceptional. Well built body and a dragon tattoo on the back is my mark. I am smart, athletic, good- looking and popular. I am proud of myself. I wear skinny jeans, polo shirts by Hermes and a handy notebook to go with. I have a white tone appearance and my hair is fixed with styling goop. In short, I am a perfect know-it-all hotie.
“That geek…”
Are you sure?
“Yes, I’m really sure.”
I’m Terry. And I’m in love with a guy. Call me crazy but I don’t have affections on women at all. This is my big secret. For all they know I am manly. But I’m not. I’m in love with a geek. Yes, I’m in love with a guy who happens to be the president of the chess club.
What I feel for him is tremendous. But what can I do to make it true? We are both at world’s end. So far yet so close. Is he feeling the same way as I am right now?…



“I am speaking terms of every gay in town. In some part of this world, may it be in school, in an office, company, or may be just your local friend or neighbor. There will come a point that either of you will fall in love, in secrecy or not, nothing will stop the beat of your heart, your feelings and affection. So, just let be and let it guide you to that path where you are feeling most comfortable.”

Oblivion

the time did not come
all things went into oblivion...

so, i wondered

... what would it take for me to go and save you?
would it mean that SACRIFICE is a must for me?
do i have a choice?

i do, i do have a choice
a choice only i can manage to take...

This drawing that I made was for my self. I was in distress that time. I was caught between choices that blocked my freedom to choose what I wanted to do. I was never ready. So I hid my self far from redemption... I hope I can find my way out in the oblivion.

FOR SALE

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I forgive but I don't forget

There comes a point in my life that i forgive magnanimously. Whole-heartedly I accept every fault even if I am wrong. Shameful as it is but it's for the better.
Unless, in some instances I do forgive but I don't forget. It is not a grudge nor a vengeance if I'm to take it on my own account if that is what you think. But if you could see the effect it will bring you then reconsidering is no option. After all, what has been done cannot be undone. You can move on actually but seeing the face of the culprit will just make you remember the nasty things he/she had done to you.

Bottom line: It's simple, really. Seeing your face won't make me forget those things you've done.

a teacher's nightmare

Last night, I was thinking of something. 'Twas about my profession. Well, being a teacher is great, being able to impart knowledge is a wondrous legacy. But, will I stay like this forever? Na magiging "LAON" ako as what they call? Makikita ko pa kaya ang true love ko if I am this one heck of a dedicated individual?
ugh! The thought of it just makes me wanna cry. Scary but true.
Most teachers end up teaching all the way through until their hair would turn white. I hope it won't happen to me also.
Yes, being a teacher is so cool. Once you're done with the lesson you have taught, when you step out of the classroom, the feeling is more than happiness. Gumagaan ang loob mo. Masarap ang feeling I bet you!
But until then, I am, and I mean I am going to get married on the right time.

My Rainbow and my Infinity Pool

"My entire life is a mirror of something good and bad. It's what I call balance. Although it surpasses all kinds of obstacle, sometimes, a bit of it overlaps and the system would be unequal. But then my life changed when I thought of something ironic yet remarkably beautiful and heart- warming. Upon seeing the other side of it, I knew I found the missing part of my puzzled life. So the balance is maintained..."


To my Family
My Friends
My English Family
My Lovers...

I found a rainbow. It's not any other rainbow that you could find elsewhere. Normally, a rainbow has limited colors. But mine, it has millions. Each color has different personality. Yes, it is very unique. Each is alive and vibrant in their own way, little or big. I love it so much for it brightens my way, myself, my life. Each made me laugh, happy, cry, angry, sad, hysterical, etc.
The rainbow, do you know why I have this kind of thing? It's because all of you are present there. You're the colors beneath my unstained soul. You are all there. A part of me.

I found a pool. It's the world's biggest and widest pool ever. I called the infinity pool.. Do you know who goes there? You, it's you again. All of you. No matter how many you are regardless of your sizes, everyone is fit to swim in my pool. It holds no bar. Endless. Boundless. My love for all of you will never cease. It is endless, pointless, bottomless.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!



See how my imagination run?
I bet you also have one, or two, or more.
I know you do. So share it. I want to hear from you.

This... is for you.

Puta ka!

PUTA ka! my mom said to me repeatedly. Every time we quarrel there's always a bad tag after her dialogue. The most famous of all, PUTA.
Man! I'm so fed up with it so much! It's like everything I do Isn't good enough for her, she doesn't even care at all.
Sometimes, I would just cry the whole thing in my room, get a piece of cigarette and ponder on and on, and on...
My life sucks!
And I'm living with ISADORA, the horror.
And you know what, I think I am close to breaking my sanity. It takes a lot of something sad for you to make me cry.
I couldn't cry at the least moment and when that happens, everything will go straight to my heart and head.
I go nuts of that feeling.
Makes me wanna shout, cry out loud, and curse on something.
Crazy! Er?
Yes, that's me. my life.
Sad, isn't it?
The worst part is, when I'm on the right track to defend myself, I can't riposte on her because she won't let me. The thing is, for her, you're wrong when you know that you are right and really wrong if you're not right. (sigh)
The pain!

It's not only this that makes my life so miserable.
There's so much to write about me.
For now, eto lang muna.

my false phantasm

From the moment I saw you
I knew from there that you’re the one
But what can I do?
I am just a stranger
Everyday I think of you
Not a moment passed, still, you’re on my mind
My heart melts for you
My mind speaks of you
Dear me! I’m madly in-love
Because of you, I fly like a dove
Do you notice me?
I hope you do
I think I can never reach you
Somehow, I think it’s true
Oh! It’s getting late, really late
I have to go
I’ll see you later
I’ll see you in my dreams
I will… I will… I… will…

The Halo

“What a lovely day we’re having there sir!” Andrew Lopez said while giving the man a fresh bundle of news for the day.

“Oh yes indeed lad and a good day to you too.” Mr. Murray responded as the boy rode the street and passed by every house throwing rolled papers beneath the door.

“Why hello Andrew, you look dashing today!” an jubilant old woman shouted.

“Really? Gee, thanks Mrs. Coleman!” Andrew shouted back.

“Looking good shawty!” Chris said as he jogged passed Andrew.

“Yeah! Well, see ya later homy!” Andrew said.

“Coffee?” Mr. Judean shouted.

“No can do sir, got to deliver this all!” Andrew dismissed.

The morning breeze cooled the boy’s face as he rode along the streets of Mississippi. Streaks of light from the morning sun hit him softly in the cheeks, eyes and chest. The boy seemed happy and free from any unpleasant vibes. Alas! The last of the rolled newspapers was delivered and with an hour to spare for a cup of coffee and bread at the groove; a place where the boy usually gets his free meal from a friend who owns the restaurant.

Andrew was riding a bicycle fashioned with a basket in the front and a smudge of color blue stripes on the metal.

The streets was now beginning to fill up with cars and motorcycle going through the day’s daily routine. It’s going to get busy in no time.

As predicted, the road was packed with vehicles passing everywhere. Andrew rode smoothly but safely. As he moved forward he caught a glimpse of a halo icon printed on the glass of one of the stores he come to pass. He wondered why of all the pictures around the only thing he’d noticed was the yellow ringed icon.

“hmmm… what a beauty you are. So small yet very noticeable.” he said softly.

When suddenly, a truck was passing speedily right in front of him. He knew the truck did not notice him so he wheeled sideways and distractedly pressed on the break quickly. The bike bumped hastily on a moving car beside him. It budged his body hard that it made him flew meters away. He felt as if his divine and mortal body parted in mid air. Luckily he went straight into the pile of empty boxes on the other side of the street. He crashed. He stumbled. He fell.
He was disoriented to move but managed to get up slowly. As he did so, he looked around. To his surprise no one came to his aid but saw people rushing down to the place where an accident had just occurred. Curious, he went to it to see the fuss.

“Come on guys, there‘s a man hit by a car just over there.” a kid shouted.

“That poor man, the bleeding is serious they say.” said a girl from behind.

“Whoa! Thank God I only have bruises but that man, I hope his okay.” Andrew thought shaking abruptly.

He was now on the scene of the accident. Andrew saw his bike 10ft from him, disabled and wrecked. He did not bother fetching it; what’s more important to him now was the hit man. He heard people talk, scream, cried. He thought that may be this guy was very important or that he contributed so much to these people who mourns for him. He moved closer, as he stepped right in the tumultuous crowd to see the man he was shocked, stunned, petrified.
He thought for a while. Examined his body, head to toe. He was taken aback by what he had seen.
He fell on his knees. Head down, he clutched his pants. Tears started to fall from his eyes.
The rain poured.
Some of the people started to walk away from that place. He remained.

The air was cold, numbed, and heartbreaking. The rain did not stop.

The ambulance had just arrived. The medics picked up the body and went inside the vehicle. They passed through him…

Unseen… unnoticed.

my account

20 years and counting…


I’m still single.
I had relationships with men and women before.
But all were just mere jokes.
I never had a serious relationship with someone.
8 months, 3 months, 2 months, 1 month, 30 days, a week, 3 days…
Yes, those were the months and days I had with a lover.
The horror. (sigh)
You know what’s the most painful part of being single?
I know you feel this too.
It’s when you are ready to love but still longing for someone who will comfort you at night, who will hug you, caress you and love you back.
How I wish this would soon come to an end.
Honestly, I am fed up of waiting.
But, I’m still hoping.
Though, I’m afraid of the consequences.
I am also guilty.
I am looking for you.
I hope you are searching for me also.
And, I hope we’ll see each other very soon.

Sweet Escape

The air was cool, calm and gentle. I was standing right next to a man whose body was firm and tender. I was naked and so was he. We huddled for a while and went to the place where we could see the ants; there were so many of them roaming around scattered and somewhat preoccupied at the moment. Mostly, ants would likely fall into queue and walk straight with each other in front and at the back. But these beings are far different from each other; taking courses at different angles and never thought of each other's sake. Buzzing, beeping and laughing, they are very noisy for a low- class community...

I could clearly see the moon shining brightly upon me. A music of melancholic tune was turned on. I turned around, he was there standing coolly, he was responsible for the beat. He reached for my hand, he kissed me and then he hugged me tenderly. His body pressed on mine, and mine to him. The warmth of our body chilled me. Our chest was in contact so evenly. I stared at his face. His expression was deep and sincere. A tear fell. We then moved to the edge of the square cemented grilled barricade. We hugged again, this time it was like gripping each other's comfort. In a minute, our heads was tilted down and the scene was pacing fast around us. Tears from our eyes fell upward. We then slept predicting that it would be our last eternity to live in reality. We accepted our fate...

"I LOVE YOU" were the words omitted by our destiny.

I woke up dozing. The light was so bright that it pierced right through my eye as I sat up. I saw him right beside me, smiling and still naked he kissed me. I responded back.

"how was your sleep?" he said.

"it was fine, I dreamt of you." I said smiling.

"really? what was it about?"

"it was about us, we survived."

"a... are we...?

"yes. yes, we are."

Three (3)

There are only three things i need in life:



LOVE to make me feel weak...

ALCOHOL to make me strong...

and,

FRIENDS to pick me up when love and alcohol make me hit the floor.


- excerpt from a text message.

BUZZ!!!

grrr!!! gabararakang lang ya mga requirements! arghhh! puga! daw mabuang ko!!!
weeehhhh! i hate this sem!

A Poor Soul's Past

'Twas the night of midsummer's season but the heat wasn't really getting into me. In fact, it was neither hot nor cold, the atmosphere was all too fine...
The fire was dancing; the fine dirty white smoke emitted by the burning wood gushed out from the chimney hastily. The shadows in the room seem to be joining the beat of it.
I was in a sofa, lying coolly but thinking deeply. I was in a supine position, my head on a cushion, left foot on a stool and the other huddled near my thigh; how soothing the feeling was. Even the warmth surrounding the place made me feel comfortable...
A thought just passed me. I could barely recall it, but the message was clear; I am a HYPOCRITE. I am living a life full of pretentious wonders. "Grow up!" I said to myself. My ego won't let me for he knows I'm too dependent. I may not understand why I'm fond of it but I know my capacity. My weakness is my ability not to control it.
I'm so broke!
My friends are the best; though many things had happened still I am thankful I met them. Sometimes, insecurity got the better of me. I felt unwanted, trashed, dumped, left behind, and unnoticed. I guess it's just a part of living, or may be a part of our arrogance.
I'm such a fool!
I love my family so much. The fact is, I think I'm the black sheep of the clan. For them, everything I do isn't good enough; they really love to compare! I hate it. I'm not yet accepted; I don't know where to start confessing although they already knew it. I wish they'll just let me be.
I'm so weak!
I am not a somebody nor a nobody. Why the hell am I contemplating all these things where in fact I'm not the only one whose got problems. I know that some people has problems far greater than I have. Why worry! (sigh)...

- Interview with a lonely Soul.

How far can you, or... do you understand?

Can it be any harder? That for once I will be forced to throttle my keenness in relating a small thing from a particular ordeal? I believe in defying the odds. In making things possible out of sheer dumb luck. But a price is always at stake, never before that it has to be done in a clean fashion. Sometimes, you'll have to fight to be undefeated.
I am speaking in full terms; judging by the lack of guilt and despair to the woes of great evil ascending the depths of reality as to go beyond comparison of such nonsense and stupidity. Crime does not pay. Good deeds aren't that holy. Mischiefs are unexpected. Incidents don't come in accident. Because things are not always what they seem.
A fiendish scheme is half but not in all sight is effective. Are we that mysterious enough to unravel such horror in our personality, aren't we? We are not animals for goodness gracious. Clearly we are designed to choose the best out of a wrenching havoc. It is in our conviction to put a notion in action. We just have to let it be. We are what we are. It will never cease for as long as we live in this beautiful but cruel world.

It Started With a Kiss

I was in a deep thought heading toward my bed when all of a sudden my legs collapsed and I was down on my knees for no reason. My heart was pounding fast, chills run down my spine and gave me the goosebumps. Everything seemed totally in a bliss. I rose up and went to bed. I lie down gently.
The moon was so bright and the stars were twinkling elegantly. I began to noticed that the sky was getting darker and darker, it was the cloud covering the moon and the stars like some dark force invading a helpless group of angels. Drops of tears started to fall continuously. I wasn't aware of it really. In fact, I was bothered by its loud thumping on the roof that I could not draw myself to sleep but kept thinking of what happened that noon...

It was 4:30 late that noon when I had just finished writing all my term paper documents. I was so exhausted that I immediately put all the papers in my drawer and went off in a rush. I entered the tube-like prison cell machine called the elevator and waited for it to close. It was about to close when a man two years older than me stepped right in. My heart then started to beat rapidly for the man seemed promiscuous by nature. It was Myigo, my all time crush from grade school and my friends best friend. He was also working at the company. We exchanged smiles and talked for some time. He was wearing a brown ragged coat and a black undershirt, white complexion and a perfectly combed brunette hair. His eyes were coral blue and his lips were red like a rose that bloomed from its bud. He looked handsome as ever.
He kept looking at me as if he wanted to eat me viciously. We were the only person on that elevator. I was hurrying to get out of that machine but I couldn't because we were only on the 10th floor from the ground. I was so nervous that I froze in total nothingness. His hand suddenly reached for my cheek. I looked at him, puzzled. Things got so fast that the next thing I knew we were kissing passionately. It was like heaven, like my longing for him finally paid off. His soft lips pressed on mine deeply and how tender his lips were; the taste of his mouth was so sweet that it made me kissed him even harder. The moment came to me, I noticed that the time of our closeness seemed too long and that it was time to withdraw but my hands won't let. He then gently caressed my neck; I was so aroused that for a second I opened my eyes and saw the floor meter run down to the ground floor and as the door opened I immediately threw myself back and hurriedly went out the elevator. My heart was still beating fast. I could not think straight that I forgot about the party I had to go to. I wanted to go back for him but then I just let myself walked with delight. Without control, I wheeled back at him and gave him a smile. He looked back at me too and nodded and smiled...

Half past three in the morning and I couldn't shut my eyes at all. The rain was heavy and keeps falling completely. I felt the cold all over my body. Alas! my eyes began to close its suffering gently. I tugged for my pillow and blanket. I moved sideways. From there, I could see his angelic face sound asleep. His hands, warm as he embraced me unconsciously. I kissed him and turned off the light as its brightness slowly fade and covered us in total blackness of silhouette.

My Misery

January 19, 2009. It was that very first day of the week before the midterm examination when I was feeling depressed and weak. Before I went to school I was already crying.
All the pressure went straight to my heart. I could not take it much longer, I exploded. Tears began to fall and there was nothing I could do 'coz the pain cut me deep, too deep that I forgot about my 7:30am class.
I went to school sobbing, my eyes were bulging and red. I wasn't paying any attention in my R.E. subject, I was so preoccupied with what I'm feeling that time not until the 8:30 class. I was finishing my write- ups and sources and when i was done, I rested for a while. There it was, my heart started to ache emotionally. I knew I was going to cry so I told my teacher if I could go out. She said yes, so I immediately went off. While walking, I wasn't able to take hold of my feeling that in a second I burst into tears. Watery eyed, a friend called, it was my best friend Diza. I ignored her but she seemed to noticed that I was crying. She followed me at the comfort room, she waited for me outside. I was already crying hard when I came to her. She comforted me and patted my back for relief. But I could not stop crying because all the problems, the hurt, the nag, financial crisis, and family problem came out. All of it made me lose my state- being. I cried and cried until my eyes soared and appeared puffy. In my head, I told myself to give- up but I was to weak to do so.
I was so angry yet sad of the things happening to me. I did not understand of all the people, why me? So I came to think that maybe it's all just a part of my journey. The way I'm going through is too steep and rigid. A path where I had to play the one being bullied, being the miserable. But nothing will stop me here.
I will go on...
I'll come through...

Long Distance

It's hard to fall in love with someone from far away. Judging the distance of your relationship is just impossible.
Keeping in touch with one another through technology is cool, but having an affair in cyber world? creepy!
Nothing, nothing is great if you only know the person through this and that and not in the real world. You might never know if he/she is true to you and is honest in every way. It's just that everything is possible in this kind of situation. We can only bare in mind that any time is a good opportunity to let hold of someone's neck. We need to be very careful and be very cautious at all times. It's not safe to play games with strangers. You'll never know, he\she might grab you from behind and drag you all the way to nowhere.

New Year Bonanza!

Ugh! I was drunk when we waited for 2009 to come. Beers everywhere, Wines, Carlo Rossi red and white wine, etc... What a night that was! The fireworks were the bomb; it lighted the pitch dark sky with beautiful booms of explosion. The streets were as loud as ever, smoke emitted by the fireworks covered the road, people here and there shouted at the top of their lungs! That night was really something. It was the best new year celebration I ever had and these wines proved that I was intoxicated by their evil but sweet temptation! oh yeah! I felt like heaven was near me that my ears were so hot and ready to erupt!
2009... Cheers to you! I just hope that This year is going to be a blast. That everything will change for the better and every opposition will unite to renew the chaos that has been.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!